Episode 86

Later that night, they reached the interstate and Amy passed the wheel to Connor, who drove the rest of the night.  Ben took his seat beside Gail and Miah and continued sleeping, but after the rearrangement, Miah was wide awake.  Gail nodded back to sleep and rested her head on Miah’s shoulder, and Ben faced the window with hardly a snore to show for his sleep, and yet Miah could not help but stare out the window with the thoughts racing around in her mind.

What am I doing here?  I’m running, but can I ever find rest?  What will I do if they catch me?  If they leave me alone, I don’t think I’d sleep more peacefully than there.  She felt her stomach and swallowed. She was hungry again.  Hesitantly, she whispered, “Connor?”

He looked to the side and then looked back ahead. “Yes? I’m awake.”

She smiled, and at any other time might have laughed.  “Connor, I’m hungry…do you have anything to eat?” she asked, instead of joking back the way she felt like doing.

“Oh yes, granola bars right here—” he patted a backpack between his seat and Amy’s— “want one?”

Miah nodded, “That’d be good. Yeah.”

He pulled a granola bar out of the pocket and carefully turned to pass it back, and for a moment he glanced up into her eyes.  Something twisted in her chest and she almost dropped it, taking a deep breath.  Her heart racing, she looked down and blinked.

What was that? she questioned herself angrily.  You’re not falling in love with him, are you?   Stop that.   You know that will only get you into another mess.

But what if he did love her back?

No!  He can’t love me back!  No!

But what if he does?  He does care for you, in some way.  What if?

I don’t need anyone.  I’m fine on my own.

Yeah, right.  Look what it did to you when Ben turned on you.  Backstabber.  But look at him; he’s still trying to get you back.
The scene played back in her mind; Ben standing facing her and Connor, pleading them to take him along, looking into her eyes with the desperation she’d seen before.

“Please…Miah…”

Ben's words echoed in her head, repeating and repeating until she clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.  No…no…

Ben doesn’t care about you.  All he cares about is himself.

That’s not true!

He left Connor lying there to die, don’t you remember?  Even when it tore your heart out to leave him alone, you wouldn’t leave Ben.

Stop…  Tears were starting, but she couldn’t let anyone see.  She couldn’t let them hear.  The rumble of the car seemed to be repeating in her mind again and again and again; lies, lies, lies.

“How are you doing?” Connor asked, and Miah almost sobbed out loud.

She didn’t know how to respond. How she should lie. “Okay.”

“Doing good?  Wasn’t sure if you were used to so much driving, I know some people get pretty carsick from driving all day and all night.”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

Please, just don’t look back…  The tears were running down her cheeks, and she didn’t know if the shadows would be enough to hide them if he turned to see.  “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He looked at his watch and commented, “Five AM…the sun might be coming up soon.”

“Which way are we headed?” she asked, grateful for a change in topic.

“East…” He looked around at the mountains to their right and left.  “It’s gonna be shining right in my eyes.”

She choked a laugh, covering her mouth to keep the rest in.

Connor seemed to stiffen, and looked to the side.

Don’t. Leave me. Don’t.

“We should probably...stop when the sun comes up…have some breakfast or something...yeah.  Wake everyone up.  You’d probably like to get out and stretch.”

She nodded and managed, “Mhm.”

He was mercifully untalkative for the next thirty minutes, and Miah was able to take a few concealed deep breaths.  When the sun rose, Connor drove to the nearest rest stop and pulled into the parking lot.